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What do you do?

Here’s the scene:

You’ve been on a few dates with a guy. You’re ‘re familiar with him at the movies. Tonight, you’re seeing another movie that you’ve heard about, and that you’ve been really looking forward to seeing. You’re meeting him at the movies. You’ve walked to the theater, he drove and held a place in line for the both of you. In the past when you’ve walked to the theater, he’s driven you home after you both have dinner after the movie. That’s the “normal” scenario. Tonight, there’s an excitement in the air.

It’s not just you that’s excited to see the movie, you overhear others talking how much they’re looking forward to seeing the movie. The movie theater is filled to the brim with people, more people than usual–every seat is taken. There’s an energy of excitement in the room. Your date is on the isle, you’re seating in the second seat in. The house lights come down, the movie begins.

The movie is funny from the get-go. The entire audience is laughing. There are parts of the movie that people all over the theater are even clapping at some parts because the movie is so funny. You clap at some really good parts. Even your date claps. As the movie continues, you become aware that maybe you clapped too close to the people in front of you, based on the person turning their head a little. Your date tells you “Hey, the people in front of you are not liking your clapping.” You understand that, and, you also are aware that many others, the people directly behind you are clapping and laughing, too. It’s the movies, a fun night out.

So being conscious and considerate, the next time the audience roars in laughter and clapping, you hold your own clapping closer to you so as not to disturb the people in front of you. Even as you do this, your date reaches over, grabs your hands, closes them and tries to bring them down to the armrest between you and your date. You try, and succeed, in unwringing your hands from his grasp. What do you do?

This is a scenario, based in reality, of what can happen in a relationship. How do you decide what behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate? If there are inappropriate behaviors, actions that for you, are just not cool, just not acceptable…what do you do? What’s a red flag for you? (A red flag in relationships is a sign, a symbol, an action that something is very wrong, the scene is just not safe). Do you do your “normal” thing of going out to dinner after the movie? What does this scenario, and what you do about this say about your date, and about you? What is the message that’s being sent by your date? What’s the non verbal message he’s sending to you?

These are important questions for you to answer regarding your relationships. I can help. Working together, you’ll come up and work with the answers to these questions. This is what I do. I help you navigate your relationships, sexual, relational, individual.

No No and No…

No, No and No. Don’t ever continue to have sex when you’re experiencing pain. That’s it, plain and simple. If I’m experiencing pain, and it’s unintentional (meaning it’s not SM/BD/Fantasy Play), just stop. If some guy (or woman) is giving you a blow job, and it’s “rough” ok, that’s one thing, but if you’re not liking it, and it’s causing you pain because they’re using their teeth or they haven’t shaved or whatever, tell them to stop. Plain and simple. Yes. Tell them to slow down–verbally and by withdrawing or what someone told me today, by putting your hands on their head an moving it away from your penis. Yes to all of that. But no. Don’t keep going.

If you’re having sex, let’s say you’re getting fucked (anally) and it’s hurting. Stop. I’m not talking about “whoa, that’s big,” or “whoa, that’s a lot of pressure,” I’m talking about a burning feeling, a stretching beyond what you’re ready for, a major pain. If you’ve got a nice ass, the guy probably doesn’t know how to fuck, but just wanted to bang you, but stop. Tell him to slow down. Add lube. You take the lead. When getting fucked I recommend always going slowly at first, but no, no and no, never continue if you’re experiencing pain and pain isn’t part of what you’re wanting (again, thinking of the SM/BD/Fantasy Play community).

It’s your body, not theirs. You get to enjoy the pleasure, don’t defer and just say, “well, they liked it,” that’s crap. You get to enjoy the experience. After all, it’s your body, enjoy it. Now enjoy it with another, but no, no, and no, don’t continue when it hurts. Sex gets to be fun, spontaneous, and even frolicky (look it up), not painful.  -JTSC  (That’s Jim The Sex Coach, if you can’t make that out).